too many choices

So, it seems that the number of tasks in my life is getting a bit carried away at the moment and I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I want/need to do.

Just recently I've been dealing with the following time consuming and sometimes stressful activities (I start with the the ones I feel that I need to do):

1. motorbike insurance, 2. car tyres (had to go back because they broke something off the wheel), 3. landlord (creating a barrier to buying the loft space), 4. issues with my child's school (hours of my life wasted), 5. trying to get spectacles (spending hours travelling and waiting around), 6. a person crashing into our car and providing false contact details, 7. the dark cloud that is my house that needs to be fixed all over the place (toilet keeps breaking, mould in the bathroom, kitchen is falling apart and leaking, windows need replacing), outside water pipe recently burst because of the cold weather, 8. my motorcycle chain is rusting and it needs new tyres, 9. I need to apply for citizenship

Something else that stresses me out is that my folks and brothers are struggling to make ends meat (veg) and I feel a guilty because I'm so far away and cannot provide any sort of support. I've tried to send money, but I don't think the amount I can send really helps.

As for the activities that I want to do, this is the list.

1.  learn to play guitar, 2. learn to speak Portuguese, 3. learn about crypto currency, 4. learn how to do permaculture, 5. study ecology (yes it's a broad term, but I'm not sure what part), 6. learn to programme, 7. learn about philosophy (Jung, Freud, Carl Rodgers, Abraham Maslow, Skinner, Geoffrey Gray - Neuropsychology, Jacques Pensec - Affective Neuroscience), 8. learn agro-ecology

With reference to the "want to do" list, I'm not sure what the priority is or should be. This thing of having too many options is rather debilitating. I spend most of my waking time working to make money. Is money important? Yes sure but when is enough, enough? If I have enough now, does that mean I will always have enough? No. So do I need to make as much as I can now, while I have the opportunity? If yes, is it worth the sacrifice of time and opportunity cost in relation to other activities that require might my attention? I have the opportunity to eliminate about 4-8 hours of work every week (16-32 hours a month). Perhaps this is an option?

Taking into account that I am midway through my life (unless I die within the next 38 years of course), and the common accepted timeframe of 10 000 hours to master something, if I could allocate 2 hours a day for 42 consecutive years (I'll be 80) I would have 30240 hours. This means I might be able to master 3 things. I believe this is the best case scenario, given that I currently do not even manage to spare 1 hour a day to master anything. All my time is currently spent, working, sleeping, cleaning and tidying and lastly spending time with my family. After these activities are done, I do not seem to have any time for anything else, and if by chance I have a few minutes / hours spare then it seems better to spend it on fixing the house of working on our allotment. Me writing this piece, is a plea for some sanity.

I understand I'm having a moan, but I believe it's necessary at present for me to put my thoughts into writing. As seen from above, I am dealing with a lot of shit (albeit futile in the big scheme of things). Did I mention that I am also listening to an audiobook by Stephen Hawking called: "A brief History of Time". This is such a fascinating book, but it also highlights my lack of knowledge and understanding about the universe we inhabit. Another thing to add to my "want to do" list.

Somehow I keep finding things that invite me into their unique rabbit hole. What is this all about? Surely this intrigue will just lead me to nowhere, really. I know that I might have a unique blend of knowledge (as everyone does given to their unique living experience) but am I just wasting my experience on following all these "trivial" pursuits? Are they trivial? I will not know until they might or might not come in useful one day. But if something is not useful, does it imply it's trivial? 

What's next?

The longevity of earth

I've been listening to The Ecology Book recently in the hope that I can rekindle my relationship with the environment. I live in a city and don't have much of a relationship with nature, other than a bit of gardening. This seems less than adequate to me.

I used to be very energetic and motivated about the topic of protecting earth. I even went as far as studying a degree in environmental management in the hope that I might be able to provide earth with some reprieve of the incessant abuse it gets as a consequence of current human existence. This way of thinking sometimes gets me into a very defeatist frame of mind, particularly when you realise the challenges that planet earth faces.

I've been down the train of thought many times, that the best course of action might be to eliminate myself as a starting point, given that one less human animal would be a good thing. Lead by example as it were, perhaps other human-animals might follow suit, for the greater good as it were.

Once being on this train for a while, you might catch another which leads to the thought that perhaps it doesn't matter anyway. I say this because, although we have a strong self-preservation instinct, we are all somewhat insignificant when looked at from the scale of the universe. So if human-animals destroy the habitat they occupy, then perhaps that's okay, because given current knowledge of how ecosystems work, the earth will be re-colonised by other biota, and perhaps if this doesn't happen, then so be it.

It's just frustrating that the way of life we have become accustomed to always has some link to a negative activity on earth. As an example, I'm using a laptop which is made of plastic and other metals and a few hazardous materials too. This laptop uses electricity (I do use a provide that uses renewable energy, but even that has some negative effect somewhere) and connects to servers and other magical tools which I have no clue about. Do you see what I'm saying. All I'm doing is recording my thoughts, but it leaves a footprint. Is this bad? Does it matter?

I saw on Twitter yesterday haw China seems to be getting poised to annex Taiwan. How can human-animals be so intent on achieving futile goals.

I have to go, and talk to my brother about money. How ironic.

I'm on the hamster wheel ... 

What's this all about?

Hi There, 

Thank you for taking the time to look a this. I would however strongly suggest you spend your time elsewhere. As the title suggests, I'm confused and have come to the conclusion that as a last resort, I need to write down some of the incessant thoughts in my restless head in the hope of making some sense of it all.  

My name is inconsequential and probably in plain view if you have one of those skills that allows you to peak into people's online profiles. I only mention this skill as it might be beneficial for someone living in 2020BCE. That might seem off topic, but it is one of the persistent (and pesky) trains of thought that repeatedly leads me to feel overwhelmingly bewildered: 

"Should I learn this skill?"

This is my dilemma. If I'm honest, it's probably been my dilemma for at least the past ten years. There is so much information out there, in so many different fields and I find myself hopping from one to the other like someone walking on a hot pavement, hoping the next paving stone will provide some reprieve. 

In this 37th year of my long life, I find myself with 2 university degrees, neither of which is relevant in my current job and a CV which looks like a hotchpotch to say the least. 

I intend to return to this blog regularly to get to the bottom of my befuddled state of mind.